Be your own inner meteorologist

This morning I woke up in my own bed for only the second time in over two weeks, and for a brief moment felt a pang of disorientation.
Where was I today?

The last couple of weeks have seen me running retreats, speaking at conferences, in teaching sessions and meetings, interacting with a lot of people, and expending a lot of emotional energy to be ‘switched on’ and present across a variety of different environments. Professionally, these last couple of weeks have been invigorating and rewarding, but I’m under no illusion that they haven’t taken a toll on me.

Last night, despite bone aching tiredness, my mind didn’t settle as easily as I wished. This morning, my body is slower to animate as I move from task to task in getting my kids ready for school. My daughter gently acknowledging my lack of energy with the comment “you really do need a sleep, don’t you?”.

Now as much as this state of being is not ideal, I had planned for this slow return to function when I committed to the last two weeks of plans. I knew this energetic shadow time was coming and it was blocked off in my diary accordingly.

I’ve come to learn about myself, that taking care of my body, mind and soul, is not simply about having rigid boundaries, not taking on too much, doing everything textbook perfectly. But rather, about entering into conversations with myself where I actually ask the questions like:

• What do I want to do?
• How important is it to me to push my own boundaries at a certain point in time?
• What will I need in order to rest and recover from that?

This exploration of our own inner landscape can yield such important information, when it is done with curiosity rather than judgement. Instead of berating myself for taking on too much in a short window, I’ve been able to identify that the opportunities I’ve said yes to were ones that were important to me, and I’ve done this all intentionally.

Life isn’t about avoiding discomfort or never pushing against our growth edges. Not everything that causes discomfort can be avoided, and nor should it be.

Instead, learning how to approach the workings and demands of the system (aka me) as data. This reflects the Internal Family Systems model created Dr Richard Schwartz, where we learn to view ourselves as a system of many emotional and psychological parts, each with its own needs and motivations, as opposed to a static and inflexible being. These metaphorical ‘parts’ act like players on a basketball team- all with the unified goal of keeping ourselves safe, but each with its own agenda on how to do that.

The role of self awareness in all of this is to project manage this system- to take incoming data from each part, combine it with interoceptive feedback from the body itself, to create real time awareness of self and state, to drive conscious and compassionate decision making. Almost like a meteorologist, watching weather patterns, noticing trends, and making decisions based on all that information.

Self awareness is not a fixed trait, but rather a constant state of flux; of checking in with ourselves and protecting the physical and metaphorical space for answers to arise organically.

So as I enter into this intentionally protected time and space to have this conversation of self awareness with myself, I am reminding myself to be accepting of the fact that rest takes time to fully settle in. That slowing down is a process, rather than a destination. I’ve written before on this concept of our minds being like a glass of turbid water, and how meditation & mindfulness can support us in letting the sediment fall to the bottom of the glass (you can read more here). So these next few days I will be moving slowly and speaking gently to myself. Right now, the urge to write is what is bubbling up to the surface of my experience. Getting my thoughts out of my mind and down on paper so that I can visually process them outside of the container of my own headspace.

I’ll see how I feel in a few days time.

Right now I feel a sense of unease and of frenetic energy that I need to discharge- so despite Melbourne putting on its best weather for this first day of summer (not… this is in fact the coldest, wettest first day of summer in 38 years apparently 🤭) I will be taking our dog for a walk, and moving my body to try and help that energy to shift.

So, from one beautifully imperfect human to another, I hope that if and when you ever find yourself in similar states of being, you know that we all have these moments where inner storms threaten to take hold. That this is a completely normal part of being human.
In cultivating our ability to stay mindful through it, we’re strengthening our inner meteorologist, the ability to witness, signpost, but not be carried away by the weather in our internal environment.

Now if you’ll excuse me… I’m going to get back to my inner storm watching ⛈️

Want More?

If this resonated, and you too sometimes feel tired but unable to settle, I’d love to hear from you. Whether you’re working with others, caring for yourself, or simply wanting a deeper pace, feel free to reach out or join the mailing list. No fluff, just conversations that matter.